A Handsome Thief with a Certain Charm – Rough Cut
By Martin L. Shoemaker
Exactly as recorded at the Niles Renaissance Faire, May 17, 2025. Look for a cleaned-up version soon.
Men and women fighting for the honor of the Queen and the Niles Renaissance Fair. You’re not going to see any fights here. I don’t work with swords.
I work with words. I am the Instant Bard and I am here to tell you stories no one else has ever heard before, not even me. You’re going to hear these stories for the very first time.
I am the Instant Bard. This is my mascot Red. What was that? I’m the mascot? He says I’m the mascot.
Who drove the wagon to get us here? I did. Who bought you the turkey leg for lunch? I did. Who do you think is the mascot here? He says he’s the star of the show.
Why don’t we let them decide that? All right, if you think Red T-Dragon is the star of the show, give him a round of applause. If you think I, the Instant Bard, the storyteller, are the star of the show, give me a round of applause. I’m not sure that worked out the way I thought it would.
We’re going to talk about this later, but right now I owe these folks a story and we don’t know what it is. You’re going to have to help me figure it out. You sir, have you enjoyed the fair so far today? You.
First time. What’s been your favorite part of the fair? The costumes. All right, so the costumes, because these are amazing, but did you ever hear of King Ferdinand’s costume ball? All right, King Ferdinand’s costume ball was quite a tale to tell.
This was back in the days of King Ferdinand of Ferdinand, known far and wide as a just king, a fair king, but not necessarily a wise king. And sometimes Ferdinand’s generosity and his folly could get the best of him and get the whole kingdom into trouble. And in this particular time, a scoundrel, a scallywag, wanted to rob the royal treasury while everyone was busy.
And so he persuaded King Ferdinand to hold a costume ball on this sort of a ground only bigger, this sort of a theme only grander. And he persuaded the king to hold this costume ball, where he, the scoundrel Bren, would sneak in costumed as a palace guard and make his way to the treasury to steal whatever jewels he could get while no one was looking. So Bren had to build a costume.
So he had to contact the woman who made the livery for the king’s guard. And normally, she reserves that livery only for the king’s guard. But when there was a costume party coming, she was amenable to Bren’s persuasion.
So she made him a costume, not official, of course, not all of the accoutrements, but enough so he could pass, not knowing that he had stolen all of the missing elements to make himself look like an official palace guard. But he wouldn’t put those on at first because he needed access to the castle. And the castle guards who were carefully letting in only those people who were in costume would let him in because they would recognize him as a reveler, not as an imposter.
So they let him in, they eyed him carefully, but they let him in. And as soon as he had a chance to visit the water closet, he put on the rest of the costume. As soon as he stepped out, however, he found that he was in the middle of a throng of partiers.
And particularly, there were two mice. You may in fact have seen the two mice wandering around here. Two smaller people dressed in very elaborate mouse costumes, and they scampered around his feet as he was trying to get away.
And he found himself dragged on with the rest of the party into the main hall, where the big event was, the dance. And everyone was lining up to take part in a grand reel. And before he knew it, Bren is in the line.
And Bren is not able to make his escape now. He needs to go unnoticed. How is he going to go unnoticed in the middle of this? And when he lines himself up, quite excitement going on there.
There was almost that much excitement as what we saw at the party. When he lines himself up in the reel, and it’s his turn to go down the line, his dance partner is Queen Hermia. The Queen Mother at this point, Ferdinand’s mother, who has stepped down so that he has ascended the throne.
But that time, she was still in her prime. She was still a most elegant lady, and a most gracious dancer. And he reluctantly took her hand, and they performed a graceful swaying step down the line.
And of course, she is the Queen Mother. There’s not a person in the room who’s not got eyes upon her, and therefore upon Bren. And he’s trying not to stumble and embarrass himself, because that will only draw more attention.
So he is making his way gracefully matching her step for step. He not didn’t realize he was quite as graceful as that. He’d never been a dancer.
He was, however, a second story man, a pickpocket, a thief. So he had to be nimble. And when they reached the end of the line, the applause was astonishing.
And not just for the Queen Mother. All of a sudden, every lady in the dance wanted to get onto Bren’s dance card. He’s not going to sneak away this night, because suddenly, he is the star of the dance.
And he’s trying, he’s looking for excuses, have to visit the water closet, have to get some food. Well, that didn’t work, because people would come up to him with food. So Bren finds himself now caught in the middle of the dance, and he just cannot find his way out.
So what do you think he does? Changes his costume. All right, he’s going to change his costume. He’s going to have to find a chance, though, to change the costume where he cannot be observed.
So he is looking around, he is trying to find a chance. Everyone’s been trying to keep an eye on him. But in the middle of another grand square, for square dancing was a new invention at that time, a very popular infertile land, he has a chance to swing away.
And behind great draperies hanging from the wall. And as quick as he can, he drops the badges, he drops the hat. Now he looks like a mere courtier.
And he is now able to sneak out. And no one’s recognizing him because he’s must up the hair. He now doesn’t look quite like the grand man of the dance.
He is now able to sneak out and around. But now the servants are eyeing him suspiciously because he emerged from the drapes. Sir, can we help you? This was a serving woman who was very sharp eyed.
Sir, do you need something? Um, food? Of course, he’s already had a lot of food, but it was first thing that came to his mind. So she brings him a tray of canopies. And he says, Well, I guess I better have some more.
Not hearing her when she mentions that this is the lobster. And he is allergic. And suddenly, Bren finds himself swelling up three times his size.
And now they call the apothecary because now he must get treatment or he’s going to choke. And Bren wakes up in the apothecary’s chamber on a bed strapped down because he was starting to have seizures from his allergy. Now he is strapped down and he is never going to escape from this.
So he has to wait until the apothecary comes back and looks him over and waves a hand over his face and sniffs the air caught from his breath. An allergy. For Ferdinand, as old as this was, was very advanced in the medical arts.
They knew what allergies were. And Bren did not, but he didn’t want to argue with the apothecary. So he says, Yes.
Ah, well, you need two things. You need fresh air. And this draft, and he hands him a draft.
And then he calls his aide, see this man to the tower, where he can get some air from the balcony. And so he drinks the draft, immediately feeling better. That apothecary knew his stuff.
He drinks the draft. He starts to feel the swelling go down. He starts to feel almost human.
And the aide grabs his sleeve, pulls him up from the table and says, We’re going to take you to the tower. And the aide leads him up through a long winding spiral stair, right past the door to the treasury. His goal is in sight.
But the aide just keeps going. And the aide leads him to a tall tower, and a big platform where the sun has gone and all we have are the stars and the moon overhead. And the aide pulls up a bench and says, Do you need anything else, sir? And what Bren needs is four flights down.
But he can’t say that. But he says, No, I am fine. I can handle this.
And the aide says, Just ring this bell here if you need me, and I will be back. But I have other matters to attend to. And so the aide leaves while Bren sits on the on the bench, and begins to feel almost human, to the point where he feels like he is ready to brave the treasury.
And he looks around and there seems to be no one watching. And so he gets up from the bench, sways a little bit, he is still not quite all there. But then makes his way back down the stairs to the big metal door to the treasury and the big lock upon it.
This was not the sort of lock we have today, of course. Today we have very elaborate mechanical locks and these others they call them electro something. This was an old large lock with a large key, keyhole so big he could stick a finger in.
And Bren was an accomplished thief. He knew how he could get to open that lock, pulling out his dagger, for he never went anywhere without his silver dagger. This was his good luck charm.
He stuck it in, twisted, turned, twisted, turned and click! The lock popped open. The door swung open and Bren snuck inside. And once there, he closed the door behind him.
And he pulled out a very small torch that he carried, hardly more than a candle. But that was all the light he needed here. He struck a spark with his flint and steel and caught the candle.
And now he could look around at the many chests and shelves and hanging fineries of the treasury. He was in the heart of Ferdinand’s riches. And he realized it was far greater than he had ever expected.
Certainly, he was not going to be able to take one tenth of a tenth of what was in here. But he would find the most valuable item. He was good at appraising the treasures that he saw.
And he was looking for something small that he could sneak out without anyone seeing and sell for a fortune in the next kingdom over. Because selling it here, surely someone would recognize it. And so he’s searching, he finds scarves, he finds paintings, he finds sculptures, he finds coins galore, but mere coins are not challenge enough for a thief like Bren.
He needs something that shows that he is the greatest thief in the land. And finally, he finds a big chest with the seal of Queen Hermia upon it. This will have her crown jewels.
And even the least of these would be more than any thief has ever stolen there before. So he comes to the chest, and he cannot find any lock upon it, or any latch. It is a sealed box.
And this is beyond even his skill. How do you open a box with no lid? And he pauses and thinks and pauses and thinks and remembers the grace and strength of Queen Hermia upon the dance floor. And it strikes him that a box does not always have six sides.
And he grasps the chest and lifts it up and there is no bottom. Inside are racks of the crown jewels. Now clearly if he takes something like her tiaras, these will be too recognizable.
But some of the smaller things, for she has many, many rings, some of these smaller things might not be missed for days, seasons even, years. So he looks at the rings and holds his candle out, and one glints in a way he has never seen before. It is brighter than any gold, brighter than any sunlight.
In the candlelight, this glows like a star. And that is the treasure he must have. And so he pulls that ring carefully off its spindle and slips it into his pocket and immediately regrets it.
For this ring is hot. Not in our modern sense as in stolen, hot as in it is burning through the satchel. He is feeling the heat, but he’s not ready to give up.
Bren is a proud thief. When he has stolen a treasure, it remains stolen. So he’s going to take this ring and he’s going to get out of here somehow, heat or no heat, but he’d better hurry because he’s starting to develop a blister.
So he needs to sneak back out, which is no difficulty, lock the door behind himself, because after all, the unlocked door would let people know that someone has been here. The longer they can go without knowing, the farther away he can get. And by that point, he’s starting to feel pretty hot in the hip.
So he hurries down the steps right past the aide who is coming up to check on him. Are you all right, sir? I’m fine. Can I get you anything, sir? I’m fine.
Sir, why don’t I take you back down to the party? No, I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m going.
But the party is still there. Everyone is having a great time. Have you seen the queen with her new suitor? No, I’m fine.
No, new suitor? No, I’m fine. All right. If you’re quite sure, sir.
But there’s so much party yet to come. And here you are, just having missed so much of it. You really should.
I’m fine. And he’s gone. He hurries down to the base of the tower right past the guards below and out the front gate.
But this is a point where many people are still arriving. So now he has to thread through a throng of people arriving in their various costumes. And there’s large dragon costumes, almost the size of a real dragon.
There are people in armor. There are people with mermaid tails. All of these as he tries to wend his way through and finds that he somehow has gotten turned around and is heading right back into the castle.
This is not what he planned. So now he tries to push forward as fast as he can so as not to get trapped. But this is a dense throng.
This is a throng beyond his capability to penetrate. And once again, he is dragged right straight back into the castle, right straight back into the big courtyard where Queen Hermia has much sharper eyes than anyone else. He may have changed his costume, but she immediately spots him, snaps her fingers and says, we must dance.
And you do not turn down the queen. And so once again, he is off to the dance. And I still have time to continue.
I never know how long these stories are going, because I never know where these stories are going. So he’s once again, drawn into the dance with the queen. And now she feels much more familiar, almost affectionate.
And she is beckoning him to join her in a slow, close dance as the ring is starting to burn a hole in him. And he knows that if he holds her as close as she indicates he should, she’s going to feel this heat and not the sort of heat that comes from normal dancing. So now he dances because it is the queen’s request after all.
And the queen’s request is a command. But he dances at a distance, very carefully, very much at arm’s reach, even though she tries to pull closer, he ignores the signals. Keeping her carefully away.
And she says, good, sir. Why so distant? My apologies, your majesty. I am a mere commoner.
It would not do for me to grow close to you. I am the queen. I decide what we’ll do and what we’ll not.
Your majesty, I am deeply, deeply honored. But look at all these fine men at arms here. Some of the gentlemen still have hopes of being your suitor.
They merely want to be the king’s stepfather. Well, I understand that, but that doesn’t change the fact that they are eyeing me warily. They do not like me being this close to you.
I decide what we like here in Ferdinand. Even my son does not gainsay me on such decisions. If I choose to make you my next spouse, I make that decision, not them, not him, and not you.
Next spouse? Well, of course. What did you think we were leading up to? Wouldn’t this be a grand place to make a proposal to a queen at this grand ball? This is where we must have our first kiss. At this point, Bren is completely in a panic because he has not the foggiest clue how to get out of this.
He is trapped like no thief has ever been trapped before. Not in a dungeon, not in a pass with guards chasing him. He is trapped in a marriage proposal.
He has to make it to make it formal, but he realizes he has no choice in this matter at all. And so, he is trying to decide what to do on this, but she is deciding, tugging him gently. Who’s really leading this dance? It is not Bren.
She’s tugging him gently to the dais and pulling him up onto it, dancing all the way, again more grace than he knew he had, up onto the stage, where suddenly the queen raises her scepter and the music stops. And the dancers freeze, and all the guards have their spears planted for attention, because this is clearly a vital announcement. And Queen Hermia says, Greetings, my citizens, the subjects of my son, the great King Ferdinand.
I, your Queen Mother Hermia, have been approached by, what did you say your name was again? Bren. Lord Bren of the Northern Marches has an announcement to make. And Bren looked around, and he was never going to be his own man again.
And he realized he had no choice. He took a knee, reached into his pouch, pulled out the ring, which was strangely no longer hot, and said, Queen Mother Hermia, please give me your hand in marriage, for nothing could be a better fate for me than to be beside you for always. And she holds out her hand, and he slides on the ring, and they were married the next midsummer night.
And Bren had all the riches, and none of the freedom. Thank you. And a little thank you to my friends Dana and Mary Beth, who participated here.
Thank you, Mary Beth. These are two of the people who have tried to kill me for 40 years, and therefore have made my storytelling much, much, much more limber, responding to changes along the way. I am the Instant Bard, also known as Martin Shoemaker.
If the little gremlin in my pocket cooperated, I will have a recording of this on my website tonight. If it did not, I do have several other free stories. If you would like to get the free stories, I have cards to give out, which have got a magic rune on the back, that if you can figure out how to decipher the magic rune, you can get free stories.
Now, I will be honest. I will be absolutely honest. I sell books.
But these stories are free.
If you’d like more free stories, subscribe to The Instant Bard.
For the latest news on my stories and public events, subscribe to Shoemaker.Space.